Doug and I are both sick now, with a horrible cold, which is annoying both because I prefer to be sick alone and because I prefer not to be sick at all.
I went to work yesterday, and spent my whole shift feeling pretty useless, because I was moving slowly and my head wasn’t screwed on right, but I was honest about it and my coworkers seemed to understand. “We all have those days,” one friend told me later.
So what I should be doing, today on my day off, is hiding inside my apartment, wrapped in blankets and drinking tea. I should work on the stocking I’m embroidering for Doug, which has gone neglected since I started dedicating all my free time to this blog. I should catch up on Grey’s Anatomy, since Dawn has said that once I do that, I can come over to her house every Thursday and we can watch the new episodes together, which I’m really excited about. I should, in short, take care of myself.
But history has shown that I’m not very good at that. In high school, apparently, I over-medicated myself and went to the mall when I had a cold. One of my supervisors told me once that “some work is better than no work,” and I’ve stuck by this, preferring to DayQuil myself senseless and show up anyway – a trick that one time resulted in me flipping out and telling a coworker we were “not friends anymore” over something stupid and petty.
And on a larger scale, of course, I shut out, shut down, and ran from my divorce, when I should have taken time to heal from it and accepted the support being offered to me; and I let the shock of my miscarriage carry me as far as it could, going back to work just two days after my D&C, not realizing until much later how much I was hurting, because I never slowed down enough to check in and find out.
So maybe it’s time to actually take care of myself. Maybe I should turn off the phone, camp out on the couch, and give myself the appropriate time to heal. It’s too late for the divorce and the miscarriage – I’m taking care of those retroactively – but it’s not too late for me to find out what it feels like to do what’s right for myself, for my body, at a time when I actually need it.
Because today we’re going to Disneyland.