The other day, I was idling on facebook, and saw that one of my friends had put this quote as her status update: “there’s a light in the darkness of everybody’s life.”
For a moment, I was struck by this as a beautiful piece of advice. I reached for my notebook and a pen to copy it down, and then it hit me: it’s from the fucking Rocky Horror Picture Show.
For years, in high school and college, I was a member of the San Diego RHPS cast, attending and/or performing in the show every Friday night I was in town. The experience was unlike anything else I’d ever done, and was great for my confidence level and budding exhibitionism. I guess I just never stepped far enough back from the singing and dancing and yelling and throwing things, to realize that there are actually some good life lessons in the movie itself.
I left Rocky behind sometime during my senior year of college, claiming that I’d outgrown it, or maybe that I’d absorbed its lessons and didn’t need it anymore, but like many other coming-of-age catalysts, it’s remained a part of me, and I definitely still have a soft spot for the movie and its cult(ure).
So you can imagine how excited I was when Glee announced they were doing a Rocky Horror episode. About a month ago, I put out feelers as to whether there would be a viewing party amongst ex-RHPS-cast-members, and Erin said that she would host one. We even – I think – got one friend to agree to make his amazing white barbecue chicken for the event.
Well, the episode airs tonight. And here I am at home.
I’m not really sure how our plan fell through, or if we just never solidified it. What I do know is this: last week, Erin mentioned that her boyfriend might not have to work tonight after all, and that, if this was the case, Doug would no longer be invited to watch the show at her house, though I was welcome to come without him.
See, when I got divorced, it wasn’t just my ex-husband’s friends and family members who immediately blacklisted me and never looked back. Erin’s boyfriend did too. Or if not me, he blacklisted Doug, whom he’d never met and about whom he knew nothing, except that Doug was the replacement guy, cheating is wrong, bro’s before hoes, etc. And that initial reaction – that initial, totally justifiable, I-don’t-know-about-this-new-guy reaction – has, in this case, turned into a three-year-old grudge.
It’s ridiculous. All that time has passed, and all the other people I hurt have gotten over it, and even my ex has moved on, and the one person who can’t find it in himself to forgive me is my friend’s boyfriend to whom I owe nothing?! What the fuck?
Things like this – having to tiptoe around this guy in order to make plans with my own best friend, or having to try to coordinate with her which of our boyfriends is going to be hanging out with us on any given occasion – are undoubtedly factors in why I can’t seem to forgive myself. And this pisses me off, because in trying to do everything I can to heal my heart, I should be able to cut these types of negative people out of my life. Except that this particular negative person happens to be dating someone I really, really like. That makes it complicated – both to avoid him and to hang out with her.
So tonight, Doug and I will be watching the Rocky Horror Glee Show alone, while we eat homemade chicken salad sandwiches and sour cream onion dip (more on that later), and I’ll have to get my cult(ure) fix another way, and find another way to forgive myself that doesn’t put so much stock in other people’s forgiveness, I guess.
“There’s a light in the darkness of everybody’s life.”