Commitment-phobic, a continuation

Doug is watching Happy Feet.

We’re supposed to be cutting our cable – actually, we were supposed to do it weeks ago – in order to be able to afford another year’s worth of Disneyland passes.  We also realized that we could save money by getting rid of our gym memberships (which we use, sometimes, if we force each other) and by only having one parking pass for our apartment complex.  But really, the cable verses Disney is the big one.  We agreed, months ago, that when the time came to renew the Disney passes, we would cancel the cable.  And the time is now.

I’ve spent this entire day panicking about how we’re out of money already, with our next paycheck still nine days away; how we’re not going to be able to afford Doug’s dental bills along with the truck and everything else we already pay for; how, once again, we seem to be financially drowning.  And yet, when Doug said, “Ok, I’ll call Cox and cancel it right now,” I responded with, “But the ABC Family 25 Days of Christmas starts tomorrow!”

I just. Can’t. Commit.

And isn’t that the story of my life?

Of course, there’s something bigger going on here.  I mean, I don’t even watch that much TV.  I read.  But it all comes back to what I was talking about yesterday: I don’t know what I want anymore.  Nothing sits right, so I hang out in limbo, waiting for the decisions to be made for me.  Or I make my decisions based on what I think will make other people happy; I say I’m choosing the “path of least resistance.”  And so when I’m left to think about what Marie wants, I find myself in what my therapist calls turmoil, what I call a pinball machine of objections.

Apparently, Dawn’s been harassing Doug about the two of them needing to talk when I’m not around – presumably about diamond rings, which, remember I brought up first.  And Doug, perhaps a bit stupidly, told me this.  Which led to me insisting, “No!  Tell her no!  I’m not ready!  I’ll say no!”

This sort of behavior makes me a really un-marriageable woman, doesn’t it?

I’m sorry if I’m repeating myself a bit here, making the same points I made in yesterday’s post.  And, just as a warning, I may make them again tomorrow.  Suddenly realizing that you have no idea what you want out of life, that everything you thought you wanted was what someone else told you to want, and that all of the options seem huge and scary, will have that effect on a person, I guess.

For now, I can tell you definitively, what I want is to go cuddle up on the couch with my boyfriend, and watch the cable box that, at least for now, we still have.

This entry was posted in future, marriage, negative thinking. Bookmark the permalink.

4 Responses to Commitment-phobic, a continuation

  1. Dawn says:

    Whoa… text is not harassment!! He hasn’t seen anything yet! j/k!

  2. runnyyolk says:

    Hi, this is my first time here and I love your blog and your writing!

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