Because I am weird with dates, as discussed yesterday, I long ago calculated the midpoint of this project. It’s today. I don’t know what I expected from myself halfway in, but I think I saw it as a milestone to even be able to get here, to be able to say I’ve been writing daily, for four months, and five days.
Which means I only have another four months, and five days, left to go. And so much to still accomplish.
I began this project with some very clear goals: do any and everything to facilitate healing; write about it, leaving out no detail; allow myself this chunk of time to obsess over my miscarriage, then shelve the issue, get the fuck over it, and learn to enjoy my life now. And, needless to say, I strayed off course a little.
I didn’t expect my previous marriage/divorce to get thrown into the mix; I hadn’t realized I wasn’t over it or the events leading up to it, hadn’t realized how much of my present life and state of mind are actually still affected by it. So I started incorporating some posts about those issues, which I’m glad of, because even I get sick of hearing me bitch about pregnant women.
There are a whole bunch of “things which facilitate healing” I’ve been meaning try and haven’t gotten around to: regular acupuncture, Reiki, going to a support group, going to see a psychic. But I’ve been doing pretty well with going to therapy, making an effort to appreciate the things I have in my life/taking advantage of being young and childless, and wearing my healing talisman. And of course the best therapy, for me, is exactly this: writing.
And I’ve been learning some things about myself, or re-learning them: I am incredibly hard on myself; I work better with a specific project or deadline; I am much stronger than I give myself credit for; I really enjoy crying, when appropriate; and I really enjoy physical activity, but often lack motivation to go out and do it.
I’ve done a lot of reevaluating of what I want from life and how to go about getting it, and honestly, the jury’s still out. I think once I have a clearer picture in mind, things will fall into place more easily.
But I do feel like there is healing going on here. I have not felt overwhelmed or accosted by any pregnancies or pregnant women for a few weeks now. This seems small in the greater scheme of a lifetime, but for someone whose moods and attitude change on an almost daily basis, as I’m sure has been evidenced post-to-post, a few weeks of consistency is a lot.
Unlike my last progress report, in which I was frustrated and desperate, today, at my midpoint, I feel optimistic. I feel like this life is one with which I can go on; the storm is weather-able, being weathered, even; I can own my past, enjoy my present, look to my future, and make the most of all three.
But let’s try to hold me accountable for the things I said I would do here; because honestly, when else in my life will I be able to say I have to see a psychic, have a girls’ night, or buy a mini dress?