Meanwhile, back at the energy bar

So the other day, my therapist suggested I listen to my energy.  The problem is that I think my energy is on strike.

Basically, lately, I want to do nothing.  I go to work because they pay me to go, but I haven’t really been on my game, or even remotely mentally prepared to talk to people and be friendly.  That being said, when I agreed to do a favor for a friend tomorrow and had to give my shift away, I actually had a lot of anxiety about not working.  I think I just want everything to be as simple and prescribed and routine as possible.

My dislike of the telephone is multiplied to the nth degree: I don’t even want to call my mom to tell her I’ll be coming by tomorrow, and here I’m supposed to call up this psychic in another town, to try to make an appointment for readings for myself and Carrie, for “sometime on a weekend,” before my blog ends.*  Getting this appointment in time seems highly unlikely if things continue as they have been, although Carrie rightly scolded me the other night for asking her to make the call.  I also need to make check-up appointments for the rabbits, and find an eye doctor to write me a new contacts prescription, as I’m down to my last pair.  I just feel totally shut-down to the idea of speaking out loud.  Wake me up when I’m allowed to text these professionals, instead. 

Also, I don’t want to eat, and probably wouldn’t if I could keep my blood sugar from dropping and making me even less fun to be around than I already am these days.  This isn’t the first time I’ve gone through a phase where food just doesn’t seem to taste good; it’s something that’s come and gone for me since seventh grade.  I turn my nose up at every suggestion until I’m starving – usually at an inopportune time, such as bedtime – and then I just end up eating chocolate, or some kind of pastry.  (So in case you were thinking this is my secret for staying thin, it’s not.)  The next day, the whole thing repeats itself, until I start to wonder whether I can actually live off of straight peanut butter, and energy bars (no pun intended).

I don’t know what’s wrong with me.  There’s nothing upsetting me, nothing going on that’s been particularly stressful or depressing.  I just feel like being quiet and cloistered lately, or like I’d rather have someone else work out the details of my life – where to go, what to do, what to eat.  I try not to let Doug see this side of me too much, but I know he does sometimes, especially when it comes to food.

This afternoon, a friend told me she had some good news, then added, “but you might not think it’s good news, because it’s kinda girly.”  Then she left me trapped on my register for two hours, where I fought off a panic attack as I tried to guess and imagine who the hell could be pregnant this time

So maybe I’m not as well put-back-together as I was starting to let myself believe – but then, it’s definitely an off-week, so I’m not going to be too hard on myself either.  (As it turned out, my friend’s “girly good news” was just that she was making plans to hang out with this guy she might be interested in, and had nothing to do with pregnancies, or me, at all.)  All that hyperventilating for nothing.

But given the state of things, this isn’t exactly an ideal time to explore “doing what the energy tells me to do.”  The energy is telling me to do nothing, in a vaguely unhealthy, reclusive way.  The energy is telling me it liked what we were doing last weekend, when it was pouring: reading, drinking tea, cuddling – at this exact moment, it’s telling me to do a lot more cuddling, but sadly, Doug is still at work.  The energy is telling me to let other people take care of me for a bit, but I’m coming up short, feeling like those other people aren’t getting the memo.

Sigh.  I wish I knew where to go find the energy when it’s flown the coop like this.  I wish it was telling me to dance, or paint furniture, or write poetry.  I guess I’ll try again tomorrow.

*Technically, this project ends April 17th.  At that time, I will likely be changing URLs and starting a new project.  I have some ideas on the drawing board, and I promise I’ve no intention of falling off the face of the blogosphere.  Because, you know, I’ve gotten pretty famous in Canada.

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13 Responses to Meanwhile, back at the energy bar

  1. Nicole Aguirre says:

    Marie I get this way like 99% of the time and for me it is the constant routine that makes me that way and unhappy. The funny thing is I do the routine of work, school, eat, sleep because it is my life and there are no surprises, but sometimes it is doing something out of the routine that gives me a second wind…mostly because it makes me a little panic stricken so I take in a lot of air…. ha ha. You need some you time and it is perfectly fine to not want to do anything but stay inside and read or sleep. Just as long as you want to wake up and I get to see your pretty face at work. p.s. I should of called you instead of doing copious amounts of homework 😦 or i should of dragged you to the game. A little man meat is just what the doctor ordered….it will help your energy says doctor Nicole 🙂

    • Marie says:

      You’re cute, doc. But I have man meat at home, and many borrowed books to read.

      But we do need to hang out, and not just at work on Sunday when I leave you notes. xoxox

  2. Elphaba says:

    Are you an introvert? It sounds like you are. And if so, then what you’re describing is totally in keeping with that. I’m exactly the same way. Most of the time, I’d rather curl up at home with a book and just be quiet–that’s how I relax. (Admittedly, I’m more that way since the m/c, but I’ve always been like that.)

    I don’t know–sometimes I feel people are too focused on “going out” like you’re some kind of pariah if you like staying at home. I’ve got all kinds of things on the go all the time, why do I need to be going out too? And you do too–your work, Doug, your blog, you’re exercising, you’re obviously planning new projects. It’s not like you’re not doing anything. Allow your energy to guide you as it wants.

    And I’m so glad to hear you won’t be dropping off the planet. You are pretty famous up here–people are talking 😉

    • Marie says:

      Well, of course I’m an introvert. And I’m cool with that. I’m cool with being a nerd, too.

      But I hate these extremes, where I feel like I can’t do things I need to do (like the damn phone calls), and I have no connection with food (SLC’s mentioned a similar tendency). My energy can be a pretty sucky guide sometimes.

  3. Emily says:

    Marie. Hi! I’m still here and reading every day at lunch. I’m in a low energy period right now also. For me it just cycles. As for all the things you don’t want to do. I find avoiding them is usually more painful than doing them, and avoidance saps my energy. Just make a list, and methodically do them one by one. I find the high I get from checking something off my list, is usually enough incentive to do the next thing. Maybe try this and see how you feel? Lots of love from your type A friend. xo

    • Marie says:

      Emi! Remember that time in junior high that I stopped eating, stopped going to school, and then my parents bought me a bunny? (It sounds so great when I put it like that, doesn’t it?) Well, you are absolutely right – usually the best thing for me is a little motivational list-making. That list just happened to have “bunny” at the end. I’ll definitely give it a try. (Btw, “order new bags” is on my list, or should be. Hold me to that.)

  4. mommyodyssey says:

    Hi Sweetie,
    I’m ultra sensitive to these things, so I say this: it may just be you being your introverted self, it may just be one of those weeks, but please, be aware of your reactions, because what you’re describing sounds like depression. Which actually makes perfect sense. You’re struggling through a lot of pretty big questions right now, and even that alone can lead to that. I’m sure you’ll do this anyway, but make sure to tell your therapist what you’ve been feeling this past week the next time you see her. Yes, it’s totally ok to just want to cuddle up with a book/doug all the time. It’s more the not eating that’s worrying me.
    Take care of yourself, ok?
    *hugs*

    • Marie says:

      It may be all of the above. I’ve spent a lot of mental energy in Wales/with my ex/trying to reconcile my divorce lately. (You may have noticed.) It’s probably gotten to me and made me depressed even though I don’t feel depressed… if that makes sense. And I meant to tell my therapist about this physical stuff last Tuesday, but we ended up just talking about my ex/Wales/my divorce instead.

      But what I have learned about myself from a lifetime of crazy is that I don’t respond well to meds – not that they hurt, just that I can do just as well without them as with them. (The exception was my m/c, and I happily took Wellbutrin for several months afterward, until I felt like I could cope without it again.)

      Also, to reassure you: I am not NOT eating. I just have no real desire to eat, but can be best tempted by sugar, and so the things I end up eating aren’t very healthy. Which, in turn, annoys me, because I don’t like how I feel after eating junk and sugar all day.

  5. Kira says:

    Texting professionals- Awesome. Love the idea. I’ve emailed some that have email listed in their “contact us!” tab on their website.

    I feel you on the desire to do nothing. I should be job hunting like crazy, but I just can’t seem to get myself to get on the job listings and tweak my resume/cover letter. I want a job, I just hate searching. I’ve been doing a lot of cuddling (w/ my dogs since hubby has been out of town) Just resting up for whatever comes next I guess.

  6. slcurwin says:

    I appologize that the nastiness that was me over the last few weeks has seeped through the computer and attatched itself to you. But I wont call to say it, cause neither of us actually wants to talk, lol. Glad to know us Canadians wont be loosing you.

    • Marie says:

      Oh God, please don’t call me 😉 I can accept your apology just fine in print.

      I’m just glad there’s someone out there who understands my weird food things. Although I did actually discover yesterday that one of my coworkers doesn’t like food either, and just eats so she won’t starve.

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