So the other day, my therapist suggested I listen to my energy. The problem is that I think my energy is on strike.
Basically, lately, I want to do nothing. I go to work because they pay me to go, but I haven’t really been on my game, or even remotely mentally prepared to talk to people and be friendly. That being said, when I agreed to do a favor for a friend tomorrow and had to give my shift away, I actually had a lot of anxiety about not working. I think I just want everything to be as simple and prescribed and routine as possible.
My dislike of the telephone is multiplied to the nth degree: I don’t even want to call my mom to tell her I’ll be coming by tomorrow, and here I’m supposed to call up this psychic in another town, to try to make an appointment for readings for myself and Carrie, for “sometime on a weekend,” before my blog ends.* Getting this appointment in time seems highly unlikely if things continue as they have been, although Carrie rightly scolded me the other night for asking her to make the call. I also need to make check-up appointments for the rabbits, and find an eye doctor to write me a new contacts prescription, as I’m down to my last pair. I just feel totally shut-down to the idea of speaking out loud. Wake me up when I’m allowed to text these professionals, instead.
Also, I don’t want to eat, and probably wouldn’t if I could keep my blood sugar from dropping and making me even less fun to be around than I already am these days. This isn’t the first time I’ve gone through a phase where food just doesn’t seem to taste good; it’s something that’s come and gone for me since seventh grade. I turn my nose up at every suggestion until I’m starving – usually at an inopportune time, such as bedtime – and then I just end up eating chocolate, or some kind of pastry. (So in case you were thinking this is my secret for staying thin, it’s not.) The next day, the whole thing repeats itself, until I start to wonder whether I can actually live off of straight peanut butter, and energy bars (no pun intended).
I don’t know what’s wrong with me. There’s nothing upsetting me, nothing going on that’s been particularly stressful or depressing. I just feel like being quiet and cloistered lately, or like I’d rather have someone else work out the details of my life – where to go, what to do, what to eat. I try not to let Doug see this side of me too much, but I know he does sometimes, especially when it comes to food.
This afternoon, a friend told me she had some good news, then added, “but you might not think it’s good news, because it’s kinda girly.” Then she left me trapped on my register for two hours, where I fought off a panic attack as I tried to guess and imagine who the hell could be pregnant this time.
So maybe I’m not as well put-back-together as I was starting to let myself believe – but then, it’s definitely an off-week, so I’m not going to be too hard on myself either. (As it turned out, my friend’s “girly good news” was just that she was making plans to hang out with this guy she might be interested in, and had nothing to do with pregnancies, or me, at all.) All that hyperventilating for nothing.
But given the state of things, this isn’t exactly an ideal time to explore “doing what the energy tells me to do.” The energy is telling me to do nothing, in a vaguely unhealthy, reclusive way. The energy is telling me it liked what we were doing last weekend, when it was pouring: reading, drinking tea, cuddling – at this exact moment, it’s telling me to do a lot more cuddling, but sadly, Doug is still at work. The energy is telling me to let other people take care of me for a bit, but I’m coming up short, feeling like those other people aren’t getting the memo.
Sigh. I wish I knew where to go find the energy when it’s flown the coop like this. I wish it was telling me to dance, or paint furniture, or write poetry. I guess I’ll try again tomorrow.
*Technically, this project ends April 17th. At that time, I will likely be changing URLs and starting a new project. I have some ideas on the drawing board, and I promise I’ve no intention of falling off the face of the blogosphere. Because, you know, I’ve gotten pretty famous in Canada.