A week after I started this blog, I went to Disneyland with Dawn and her family. Yesterday, a week before I’ll be ending this blog, I went to Disneyland with Dawn and her family.
This may not seem that special, being that I go to Disneyland all the time. But Dawn doesn’t. As far as I know, Dawn has been to Disneyland twice in the past eight months: once, a week after I started writing, and once, a week before I stopped.
Naturally, once I realized this, I started comparing the two trips. And the truth is, not much has changed. I mean, the parks are basically the same (with California Adventure under permanent contstruction), Doug and I are basically the same, Dawn and Joe are basically the same…
But the babies? The babies are significantly older. Andrew, who was hard-pressed to articulate the words “big wheel” on our last trip, formed a whole sentence – “Only take one piece” – while sharing his popcorn on this one. Lilly, who mostly just slept and cried and pooped unexpectedly back in August, is now silly and playful and has enough hair for pigtails. Leave it to very small children to remind us how long eight months really is.
Compared to when I started this project in August, Doug and I are now that much closer to 2012, the year of marriage and babies. And while it may not be as noticeable as the changes Andrew and Lilly have made, I think it’s safe to say we’ve progressed as well. We’ve each gotten a raise, and have built ourselves an emergency savings fund. Doug’s teeth are beautiful. I am finally (almost) open to the idea of planning another wedding, and – I hope so anyway – am able to take pregnancy announcements in stride a little better than I could before I started blogging. I have a strong support network that didn’t exist before I opened myself up and asked for one, and I feel like there’s very little left for me to say, that hasn’t already been said, on the subject of my pregnancy, my miscarriage, and the effect the whole ordeal had on me.
Looking at myself and my life from the outside, which is where I mostly look, I feel like I’m in the same place as I was before I started writing. I mean, I’m not famous. I’m not rich. I’m not married. I’m not so healed from my PTSD that I’m begging my friends to all get pregnant so I can plan their baby showers.
But inside, if I really take the time to examine the difference between my August self and my current self… I am calmer. I am more self-assured. I am more confident about what happens next. I am more able to identify things that are upsetting me – and identifying them makes them so much easier to get through.
Disneyland and I may be permanently under construction, but eight months is actually kind of a long time. The proof is in the pudding: