Today in therapy, we were supposed to talk about the impending end of this project, how I feel about it, what it means, what happens next. Instead, I came in with a migraine (which I still have, five hours later) and didn’t feel like being assertive and guiding the conversation towards anything meaningful. So we didn’t address the end of this project at all. We talked about random things instead, just sort of filling the hour with whatever, while I wished my hand would stop tingling and my vision would return to normal and my head would stop being fuzzy and painful.
I’m going to just do the same thing for the duration of this post, if that’s alright.
- One of the things my therapist and I talked about was my place in the world as a quiet exhibitionist. Quiet, in that I’m shy in large groups and with strangers, and in my spare time, I prefer to do things like read and write over things that actually require movement and action. Exhibitionist in that I have no secrets (see blog), and often take, or have others take, scantily-clad pictures of myself (see blog header). When I told my therapist I was involved with a local Rocky Horror Picture Show cast for a few years, she was blown away. I can’t even bring myself to have a dance party in my living room or yell during therapy – how is it that I felt comfortable dancing on a stage and yelling at a screen? We concluded it must stem from the same place as my choirgirl roots: if the people around me are doing it, I can feed off their energy to motivate my own. Not quite a mob mentality, more like teamwork. Still, I wish I was able to motivate myself to have that solo dance party, instead of always choosing the hot bath and the good book.
- My friend Yumi confessed to me today that she’s actually a little jealous of me and the life I have. I had no idea what she was talking about. “Your future is pretty sure/certain,” she explained. “You have a way to execute your career goal in writing, you found ‘the one,’ you know you want kids and will have them. You want/have that stable life. I want to know for sure whether or not I want kids or if I will succeed in my career or if I will get married. Uncertainty sucks, especially for the control freak in me.” How funny that she sees my life this way and I see my life as being rife with uncertainty – career, financial, children, otherwise. All I did for the sake of my inner control freak, I told her, was come up with a plan and then declare it to be certain. Whether or not it actually works out that way remains to be seen, but I hold onto that plan because I have to hold onto something. There are no guarantees in life.
- This morning, I got a taste of my future housewife project. Doug went to work before dawn, and I woke up at a decent hour to do laundry. I even folded and put away all my clothes after they came out of the dryer (this has previously taken me weeks to do). In between loads, I emptied the fridge, took out the trash, and loaded and started the dishwasher. At the end of the morning, I felt accomplished. I also had a headache, which has yet to go away. So let’s hope it’s not housewifery causing my headaches, because if it is, the next few months are going to be miserable.
- Doug has been hypothesizing as to why my head hurts, too, and housewifery is not on his list of potential reasons. “Maybe you’re just so smart that your brain is too big for your head,” he offered. “Maybe you need to sleep more and eat better,” insinuating that the combination of yogurt, peanut butter toast, and M&Ms does not a healthy diet make. “What’s stressing you out?” (Nothing, other than the fact that I have a headache.) He had some more dental work done this afternoon and is in a fair amount of pain himself, now bemoaning the miserable waste of this evening that we’d planned to spend quietly together.
My apologies if this has been a miserable waste of a blog post as well. I feel like I should have picked one of the above bullet-points and expanded on it, rather than giving a little dim sum platter of everything going on in my head today.
Oh well. I’m going to go eat watermelon (which will surely balance out the toast and the M&Ms) and maybe watch a movie.