To answer your question…

In honor of April being National Infertility Awareness Month, I thought I might attempt to answer the one question I’m being asked a lot lately…

Q: You know you’re not infertile, right?!

A: Yes, I do know that.  However…

I do tend to forget that I don’t actually fall into the “infertility” bracket of the blogging community I’ve landed in over the past few months (ALI: adoption, loss, and infertility – I qualify on loss alone).  There’s a lot of outside influence from the amazing women I’ve met here, many of whom have been classed as infertile, and together we feed into this mob mentality of doom.  The general mood/message coming from any one of us (myself included), on any given day, goes like this: “I will never get pregnant, and if by some miracle I do get pregnant, I will automatically miscarry.”  Of course, there’s a lot of positive things to be said for this community and the amazing people in it, as well.  I’m just saying that if I forget for a moment that I’m still fertile-until-proven-otherwise, it’s because there’s a lot of empathetic fear-sharing going on here.*

And yes, “fertile-until-proven-otherwise” is the term I’m going with.  I have that pesky PCOS diagnosis to contend with, and one of the drawbacks of PCOS is that the irregular ovulation it brings can make conceiving difficult.  So far, given my one experience with pregnancy, I have proven myself to be, in fact, fertile.  The magic number to net you the infertility label is 12 months of unsuccessful trying, and Doug and I were only having unprotected sex for eight or nine before I got pregnant.  As for what happened with that pregnancy, PCOS has no effect on one’s ability to grow/keep a baby.  Some huge percentage of first pregnancies end in miscarriage, and as far as anyone knows, I was simply part of that statistic.  There is no reason for me to believe I’m going to be a repeat miscarrier, even though there is that tiny little reason for me to believe I could one day end up with the word “sterile” rudely scribbled in my medical chart.

I am pretty hopeful, though, that I will one day be able to coerce my ovaries into producing at least one good egg in a timely manner, and will then be able to sweet-talk my uterus into carrying at least one baby to term.  I do carry around a lot of fear, and I do only have that one disappointing experience to base my fertility-self-esteem off of, but all in all…

I believe this will work out for me.  I believe that my place in the ALI community will forever be carved out by that one traumatic loss, and nothing more.  Maybe it’s naive to sit here, still a long ways from even trying, and announce that everything is going to be fine, but at this point in my life, I truly believe that it will be.

Yes, I know that I am not infertile.

And I am so, so grateful for that.

*This is the main reason that I have to get out for a while, stop writing on this topic and find something else to write about.  So much exposure to other people’s fears and losses, while constantly focusing on my own loss, is not going to be good for my sanity long-term.  I need to take some time to be who I am right now: young, unmarried, uncertain.  Then, once I am ready to try to conceive, I can jump back in with both feet, knowing that I already have this great support network waiting for me.

This entry was posted in friends, future, miscarriage, past, perspective, positive thinking. Bookmark the permalink.

9 Responses to To answer your question…

  1. Liana says:

    Infertility will always be part of who I am. And discovering this community was one of the best thigns that could have happened to me. Finding support, nowing I wasn’t alone, reading other women’s experiences to know what to expect along the way….I don’t know how I would have gotten through without it. But now that I have my son, I find that continuing to take part in this community (reading blogs, writing my own) holds me back as much as it helps me. Infertility will always be part of who I am, but I don’t want it to define my life forever. Letting go, moving on, whatever you want to call it, is hard because by doing so, I feel like I’m betraying….someone, something.

    I’ve loved reading your blog. Your write so very well. I mean, your ability to take an issue and relate it to your past and your present and then turn it out to a broader issue we can all relate to and then examine how to resolve it for your future, it’s extraordinary. And you do it over and over. Not many people can make such deeply self-indulgent topics so relateable.

    But selfishly I’m looking forward to your next blog too, because I need to read more things that aren’t so connected to ALI. And I’m glad for you that you are realizing you don’t need to live in despair, that you can live with hope. Sadness for was has happened, but happy for what is surely to come.

    • Marie says:

      Thank you!

      I don’t think you’re betraying anyone/anything by moving on. You take the friends you’ve made and continue to keep up with them, of course, but you don’t need to hang out here waiting for the new people. The new people will find each other. And the beautiful cycle of support will continue.

      Maybe your blog needs a new spin, too, something that feels like it fits right with your life as it is NOW. With your son. You can follow me to pseudo-housewife blogging if you like 🙂

  2. Josey says:

    the culture of fear gets to me as well. i think after this week i’ll be trying to step back a bit. i need positivity around me for now!

    • Josey says:

      also, i truly hope that your one devastating loss is all that ever “ties” you to this community. as many sad and bitter moments as i’ve had on this journey, i’d never wish this on anyone!!

      • Marie says:

        Wait. That’s not how I meant that. My loss PLUS the friends I’ve made will tie me to the community. But thank you.

        And congratulations! I may not be posting comments on your blog much from here out, because I’ve learned that seeing other people’s comments to pregnant bloggers freaks me out way more than the pregnant bloggers themselves. I’ll still be reading though. xoxo

      • Josey says:

        Yes – of COURSE your blog friends will tie you to the community! That’s inevitable and a good thing. 🙂 I just meant that hopefully you will have no other issues conceiving and carrying a healthy baby when the right time comes for you and Doug.

        Thanks for the congrats – I totally get it. I’ll probably have a lot of BFP related thoughts/posts this upcoming week, but then I’ll hopefully be back to my random ass posting self. 🙂

        I love your blog.

  3. I’m glad you’re embracing where you’re at. I tend to have the problem of looking ahead and wanting it so much I can’t enjoy where I’m at now. I have a handful of good blogs I follow that are not ALI related. Perhaps you have already heard of this one, but it is one of my favorites for actually getting me to laugh-out-loud, crying and drooling in my hysteria. Sadly the author does not post very often these days but when she does, it is epicness!
    In my “bookmarked” section I have a file called “blogs” and then within that several sub-categories, and this one is filed under “Just for fun”. I think it’s worth it to actually go back through her archive and read everything. Enjoy!

  4. slcurwin says:

    It’s good to stay positive and there is a point that you can just go backwards again instead of healing. It’s good that you’ve realized that. Usually, I like to be positive until proven otherwise.

  5. bodegabliss says:

    I think you and I have agreed on this topic before, but I definitely feel like there are times I need to just step away from the community. I still check in, but I seek out other blogs as well. Not that I would ever turn my back on the people I’ve met here. Nope, we’re in this for life as far as I’m concerned! I just need more sometimes to remind me that this isn’t my entire life. I’m not “just” someone who has miscarried.

    I’m really excited for your next project, Marie!

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