Two years ago, I had an unplanned pregnancy that resulted in a miscarriage. My boyfriend and I stepped back, looked at our life, and ultimately decided that it did not constitute an ideal environment for a baby just yet. So I got an IUD, a nifty little form of contraception that requires no pills, no shots, no latex, no thought of any kind, and which boasts a 99.9% effectiveness rate at preventing pregnancy for up to five years. Which means that, at least for now, there will be no buns in this oven; this bakery is closed.
So why the blog? Well, what I didn’t realize two years ago was that, instead of a baby, I was going to get a host of post-traumatic stress symptoms from the miscarriage and the lack of resolution that my choice would provide. I’ve tried a few different types of therapy; I’ve tried anti-depressants; I’ve tried that touted all-wound-healer, time. Yet I still can’t so much as read a “We’re having a BABY!” post on facebook without getting a sick, sinking feeling, like rocks in my otherwise notably empty abdomen. My “right choice” decision has cost me not only my overall happiness, but also some fraction of my sanity, my best friend, and my sex life (and, I suspect, it’s begun wearing on other aspects of my relationship as well).
So now, two years later, I’m throwing myself into the healing process full force, taking advantage of every opportunity that is presented to me, from therapy to talismans, from books on grief to healing prayer (I’m not religious so much as desperate). And I’m going to write about all of it – the healing, yes, but also the suffering, the anger, the hopes, the fears, and the sex, assuming there is any. I’ll be keeping this blog from the date on which I found out I was pregnant (August 7th) to the date on which I would’ve been due (April 17th), in the hopes that by the end of this “gestation,” I’ll be that much closer – physically, emotionally – to a “We’re having a BABY!” post of my own.
Or, at the very least, that much closer to not hating everyone else’s.